Premium Wisdom. Factory Prices.
"Why pay for the Bridge when you can just take the shortcut through the alley?"
Other organizations want you to spend years studying ancient texts. We think that’s a waste of perfectly good scrolling time. Our methodology is simple: Your life is like a low-budget shopping cart—sometimes items get lost, sometimes the quality is questionable, but it's cheap.
| Tier | Status | Cost |
|---|---|---|
| Tier 0 | Pre-Okay / Default Human | Free |
| Tier 1 | Sufficiently Grounded (Newsletter Reader) | $0.99 |
| Tier 2 | Mostly Functional (Sock-Matcher) | $1.49 |
| Tier 3 | Clearance Clear (IKEA Master) | $2.99 |
| Tier 4 | Operating Glitch-Bit (OGB) | $4.99 |
| Tier 5 | TOTAL REASONABLE FLEXIBILITY | $9.99* |
*Tier 5 requires the purchase of a generic-brand cape.
Get notified when enlightenment goes on clearance.
"One dreams it, one scrawls it, and one bills you for it."
The Architect of the Corrupted Cloud. The HPM is the highest tier of existence. He does not communicate directly; he only sends "Task Notifications" through the fabric of space-time. He is the one who accidentally hit 'Delete' on the universe's original high-res textures, leaving us with this current low-budget reality.
A Failed Sci-Fi & Smut Writer (Circa 1974). While living in a motel in 1978, the Prophet accidentally tuned his typewriter to a cosmic frequency. His half-finished manuscripts—a mix of space-pirate romance and technical manuals for discontinued blenders—form our Sacred Text. He disappeared in 1982, leaving behind a dry cleaning bill and the secret to removing Glitch-bits.
The Operational Hand of Truth. This is the face of the movement. The GMM’s sacred mission is to translate the Prophet's unreadable scrawls into affordable spiritual products for the masses. While his spiritual depth is infinite, his earthly goal is simple and transparent: To earn $1,000,000 (after-tax).
Note: The GMM has other goals, but for legal and character-preservation reasons, we only discuss the million-dollar one. It’s for the good of the collective.
Our satellites (repurposed weather balloons) are currently tracking un-optimized souls in your area.
*Map accuracy is +/- 4,000 miles.
ENTER ACCESS CODE:
> Hand subject the cans. Set timer.
> Insult Level: SNIDE.
> "You call that a spiritual aura? It looks like a low-resolution JPEG."
> If subject cries: Suggest Level 2 Badge ($1.49).
> If subject laughs: Threaten with slow shipping speed.
Recovered from a 1974 typewriter ribbon in a motel outside Vegas.
Jax peered through the cracked viewport of the S.S. Inexpensive. The Princess stood there, her eyes reflecting the orange glow of a distant, discount star.
"The Great Admin has logged us out, Jax," she sobbed. "The subscription to our souls has expired."
Jax didn't flinch. He grabbed the twine. "We don't need a subscription, baby. We have the internal methodology. Feel the cans. Hear the ticking. If we can just reach the One Million Dollar Threshold, the government of the stars can't touch us."
The Princess gasped. "But Jax... is that after-tax?"
"Always," he whispered. "Always."
(End of Ribbon. Remaining text obscured by coffee stains.)
Are you a high-profile influencer with between 12 and 500 followers? We want you!
Temutology is the only religion that respects your "Nano-Status." Skip the lines at the food court and become a Brand Deity today.
Benefits include: One (1) free orange string for your D-Meter and a PDF certificate you can show your mom.
Why work for money when you can work for Tier-Credit™? We need dedicated souls to clean the D-Meters and yell at strangers.
(Password Required - Volunteers only)
LEGAL: Temutology is a parody. We have no affiliation with any actual galactic overlords or e-commerce apps. All "Glitch-Bits" are simulated. © 2025